He Gets Us

Satan: He Gets Us pic.twitter.com/7aEIUQ1g9p

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) February 14, 2024

Explaining gender to aliens.

Alien Confused As Earth Leaders Try To Explain All The Human Genders pic.twitter.com/SP3XZBbhrn

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) June 29, 2023

No compromise

Tensions Rise In Middle East As One Side Wants To Kill Jews And The Other Side Are Jews Who Don't Want To Die And Neither Will Compromise https://t.co/YSSwtjPYMi

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) May 12, 2023

7 Gun free tactics to defend your home

Why being a man is great

Harmful Language You Should Stop Using - And What To Replace It With

 

Empowered woman - Babylon Bee

Pro-Choice Bosses - A Generous Offer To Our Pregnant Employees

Don't miss this outstanding video from our friends at @LiveAction! pic.twitter.com/5U32B2uxs8

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) December 13, 2022

Katie Hobbs Projected To Win Arizona Governor’s Race With 108% Of Precincts Reporting

 

Republicans have been roundly condemned for denying an election that was 8% more democratic than the last election.

Galactic Empire Requests Amnesty For Anyone Who May Have Gotten Carried Away And Blown Up A Planet

 

CORUSCANT — Acknowledging past decisions that, while well intended, were destructive, and learning a ragtag team of rebels might win again, the Galactic Empire has proposed amnesty for anyone who may have gotten a little carried away and blown up several planets.

"This is supposed to be a happy galaxy. Let's not bicker and argue about who annihilated whose planet," wrote Grand Moff Ardus Kaine in a guest opinion piece published by The Atlantic after polls showed destroying Alderaan just to get a politician to squeal did not sit well with the galaxy's citizens. "Oopsies happen. Forgive and forget, I always say."

Kaine expounded on the need to forgive those who were forced to decide to erase entire systems from the galactic map while not having all of the information available at the time. He went on to advocate celebrating the moments in which only single reactors were used by Death Stars to vaporize millions of lives in mere ...

After Ignoring Attacks On Churches & Pro-Lifers, Media Decides Political Violence Worth Covering Again

 

"To anyone who doesn't speak out against this politically-motivated attack on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's husband, I will say only this: your silence is deafening." Joe Scarborough of MSNBC addressed his viewer this morning in his first recent coverage of political violence amid several months of firebombed pregnancy centers and churches, an assassination attempt on a sitting Supreme Court Justice, and the running down of 18-year-old Cayler Ellingson in a truck for being a Republican.

Scarborough's call for all public figures to directly condemn political violence has been echoed across other popular left-leaning outlets, most of whom have not covered the widespread terroristic intimidation against conservatives from the last several months. 

Biden Asks For COVID Amnesty, Afghanistan Pullout Amnesty, Gas Prices Amnesty, Inflation Amnesty, Student Loan Amnesty, War With Russia Amnesty, Nuclear Armageddon Amnesty, And Weaponizing The FBI Against Political Enemies Amnesty

 

"We need to forgive each other for what we said to each other during COVID," said President Biden. "We also need to let bygones be bygones when it comes to how I handled COVID, mandated vaccines, pulled out of Afghanistan, made gas prices soar, caused massive inflation, made taxpayers foot the bill for student loans, allowed a war to start with Russia, got us on track for nuclear armageddon, printed money like there's no tomorrow and sent it all to Ukraine, and weaponized the FBI against my political enemies."

"I need amnesty for all those things, folks. C'mon man, it's not hard! Let's live and let live here," continued Joe Biden. "I also need amnesty for cussing out Peter Doocey, selling strategic military reserve oil to China, working shady deals and setting my son up with Burisma, not spending enough time and not raising Hunter right, all the racist things I've said, all the women I've sexually assaulted, and all the hair I've sniffed, and elections I've rigged."

VIDEO: Democrat Midterm Ad: Vote For The Status Quo

Besides COVID, Here Are 43 Other Things Democrats Are Requesting Amnesty On

 

After shattering countless lives with heavy-handed and unscientific COVID responses, the Democrats are now asking America to "forget it and move on."

Let's just pretend it never happened, shall we?

Here are some other things Democrats want you to forget their responsibility for:

1. Slavery
2. Jim Crow laws
3. Grooming children
4. Ted Kennedy
5. U2
6. Banning Dr. Seuss books
7. Trying to shut down a local business by Oberlin College with false accusations of racism
8. Trying to shut down a local business in Colorado with false accusations of homophobia
9. The DMV
10. Kale
11. Dr. Fauci
12. The Rings of Power
13. Comedienne Amy Schumer
14. The term "comedienne"
15. President Andrew Jackson
16. The Indian Removal Act and Trail of Tears
17. Gluing themselves to things
18. Keto cereal
19. Turning the frogs gay
20. $5 coffee
21. Faking Obama's birth certificate
22. Jeffrey Epstein
23. Killing Jeffrey Epstein
24. Michael Moore
25. Not killing Michael Moore
26. Peanut butter that you have to stir
27. The term "the personal is political"
28. The KKK
29. Kale again
30. Homeless crisis
31. Fatherless homes
32. Facebook's Metaverse
33. $7 coffee
34. The invention of taxation
35. Encouraging early decorating for Christmas as a scheme to make people annoyed with the holiday
36. The song "Do They Know It's Christmas?"
37. Saying "Happy Holidays" in a deliberate act to murder Christmas
38. Soccer
39. Calories and cholesterol
40. Electric cars
41. Burning down cities and murdering 19 people during the summer of love
42. Trying every day to destroy the whole of Western Civilization
43. Hillary Clinton

DHS Announces They Will Suppress As Much Speech As It Takes To Preserve Democracy

 

"As everyone knows, democracy is when Democrats hold unlimited power, and today that sacred foundation of our country is under attack from free speech," said Mayorkas from a massive television screen being played in the town square before an assembly of glassy-eyed citizens in identical grey jumpsuits. "We will not tire of protecting our country from violent threats such as speech, opinions, people saying stuff, and bad inward thoughts that poison the mind against your benevolent overlords. I love democracy!"

Democracy experts warn that democracy is under threat like never before as millions are being allowed to say whatever they want to each other without trusted fact-checkers supervising their every word. Said experts are recommending greater powers be given to the Department of Homeland Security to address this growing threat.

Interest In Drag Queen Story Hours Wanes After They're Renamed More Accurate 'Man Wearing Lingerie Wants To Spend Time With Your Kids Hour'

 

According to sources, local parents have expressed their concerns and hesitancy to support these story hours after suddenly realizing they involve grown men in lingerie spending time with little kids. "My eyes are opened," said concerned parent Hank Richards. "My alarm bells started going off when the library changed the name of this event. It seems super creepy now."

"We're still out here doing the same thing we've always done," continued Brandie Schmuts. "We're getting a bunch of men to dress up in skimpy, sexualized women's clothing to share with the most innocent, young, and impressionable minds why half-naked grown men speaking to children is a good thing, actually."

At publishing time, the Drag Queens tried switching their story hour name again to either "Grown-Men-In-Thongs-Twerk-For-Justice-On-Your-Kids Hour' or "Confused-Men-Sexually-Confuse-And-Scar-Your-Children-For-Life Hour," but everyone was still too bigoted to let them within 500 yards of the schools.

Cowboys Just Glad Crowd Is Booing Someone Else For Once

 

"Wait... they're not booing us?" said Dallas running back Ezekiel Elliott, his eyes welling up with tears. "We've never been not booed before! I think that must be the sweetest sound in the world — boos directed at someone other than us! It's... it's like music!"

Sources confirmed that the moment the First Lady walked on the field, she was met with a chorus of boos and chants of "Let's Go Brandon." The angry jeering continued for hours through the remainder of the game.

Top 10 Achievements Democrats Can Tout Going Into the Midterms

 

A few examples:

The standard of living is up 500% among Ukrainian politicians: Wow! Good for them!

Hilarious memes of Biden eating ice cream have increased 40%: Experts agree that laughter improves life span.

Thousands of Americans have been saved from the threat of seeing somebody pray in front of an abortion clinic: By arresting pro-lifers, the FBI is finally doing what they were designed to do.

More women of color are piloting the attack drones that bomb Syrian children: Progress.

Frightening New White House Halloween Decorations To Include Lifelike Old Zombie

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In preparation for Halloween, White House staffers have spent days adorning the premises with frightening decorations. One prop stands out above the rest: a spooky, lifelike old zombie that wanders the halls, drooling and moaning.

When asked how much work went into creating the animatronic zombie decoration with a realistic, putrid urine smell, staffers responded, "Huh?"

Critics suggest the White House may have gone too far with the gruesome zombie, citing reports of traumatized young girls on White House tours being chased through corridors as the old thing repeatedly asked for "just a little taste of delicious hair."