Babylon Bee: "Millennial Who Pays $0 In Taxes Outraged She Will Still Pay $0 In Taxes"

PALO ALTO, CA—Local millennial and part-time retail clerk Cady Benson expressed her outrage Tuesday over the new Republican tax plan, which will force her to continue to pay exactly zero dollars of federal income tax in coming years, sources confirmed.

Benson, whose personal tax burden for the past five years adds up to a grand total of zero, ripped the new GOP plan on social media. “Republicans sure know how to take care of their fat cat donor friends!” said a tweet from the 25-year-old, who has never had to pay any taxes on the money she earns working part-time at Patagonia while pursuing her degree in liberal arts. “This new plan is not OK!”

“And what about my student loans? The greedy establishment types in Congress are stealing my student loan deduction, just to line the pockets of their billionaire buddies?” tweeted the woman who has never had to claim a deduction on any tax form because her income bracket has never required her to pay anything to federal or state revenue departments.

“They’re just soaking the poor to feed the rich!” tweeted Benson, who, along with millions of other working Americans, will continue to pay zero taxes under the new GOP plan.

Babylon Bee: "Millennial Drops Support For Socialism After Learning How Hard It Is To Get Avocado Toast In Venezuela"

RIVERDALE, NY—31-year-old Darlene Austin has always been an avid supporter of socialism, but she recently had an eye-opening experience.

“At a vegan cafe, I met a guy from Venezuela,” Austin explained. “I asked him about how great it must be to live in a country working to end economic inequality, but then he went into a long diatribe about oppression, poverty, and murder.”

Austin admitted she didn’t listen to much of it since she always knew that socialism would have “a few bumps along the way.” But then the man said something that really concerned her: he asked what the crispy bread slathered with a green substance on her plate was.

“He didn’t even know what avocado toast was!” Austin exclaimed. She asked him about whether they had lots of avocados in Venezuela, but he explained it wasn’t just an issue of the availability of avocados but also not being able to get bread and sometimes not having electricity for a toaster.

“He said they never have avocado toast in Venezuela,” Austin stated, looking visibly shaken. “This made me completely rethink things. Socialism seemed like a great idea—a way to make sure everyone was taken care of even if they ran out of their parents’ money—but now I think it might not be ready for prime time.”

Austin said she was still glad Venezuela was trying it out, but wanted to wait until “they get all the kinks out of an equal distribution of avocados” before trying socialism in the United States.

Snowflake Millennials Butthurt Over New TV Show Portraying Them as Snowflakes