Because we care (about our profits): Parody ad mocking Pfizer goes viral | FreePressers https://t.co/j2Cw96ZGR2

— Ivan "Lovable, Tolerant, Hate Has No Home " Alaska (@Ivanalaska) January 14, 2022

'You're Just Mad You Can't Date Me!' Shouts AOC To Confused Drive-Thru Worker At Arby's

 

MIAMI, FL—Congresswoman AOC has been spotted vacationing in Florida while her home state of New York experiences a large spike in Covid cases. AOC hasn’t taken the criticism well and has responded by taking out her frustration on a bewildered Arby’s drive-thru worker.

“You’re just mad you can’t date me!” AOC yelled when asked if she was ready to place her order yet. “Ugh, but whatever I guess I’ll take a number one combo with curly fries.”

“Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we are currently out of curly fries,” said the Arby’s cashier.

“NO YOU CAN’T HAVE PICTURES OF MY FEET, YOU CREEPY REPUBLICAN WEIRDO!” shouted AOC in response. “You need therapy, won’t do it, and then you take out your sexual frustrations on women of color like me! Unbelievable.”

“Um, ma’am this is an Arby’s,” replied the timid cashier while calmly trying to resolve the situation. Reports indicate that the Arby’s employee proceeded to provide alternative fry options, but the fed-up congresswoman finally sped off.

On her way out, another car flashed its lights to let her go in front, but she shouted “You think I don’t see what’s going on here? Well, I CLEARLY have a boyfriend already, and it’s so obvious that you are just a strange, deranged individual!”

 

In a surprising move given his high character and decency, President Biden has shirked all responsibility and laid blame for the Afghanistan debacle at the feet of President Trump. Per Biden's 'Rules Of Blame', since Trump had planned to withdraw from Afghanistan - and called no take-backs -  any resulting carnage from the withdrawal, even if done in the most unbelievably heinous, idiotic way imaginable, would be Trump's fault. 

Unskilled foreigners seek move to Canada

OTTAWA – A British and American couple, both unemployed, are seeking to emigrate to Canada despite having no real skills to offer the country, early reports indicate....
On the streets, reactions were mixed among Canadians with some welcoming the fleeing couple, while others feared that Harry would illegally take away ceremonial jobs from hard working Canadians.

The ribbon-cutting and handshaking industries in Canada have been hit hard leaving many politicians and dignitaries out of work.

“I’m not against royal immigration, but they can really mess up a neighbourhood, what with their excessive wealth and palaces,” said Stuart Barton of Toronto. “And they’ll force you to call them ‘Your Royal Highness’ and bring their families with them including that uncle who’s a sex offender. I think they should get out.”

Babylon Bee: "Trump Blamed For Causing Violence In Typically Peaceful Middle East"

U.S.—After Trump moved some troops from Northern Syria, he was immediately blamed for causing violence in the typically peaceful Middle East.

Syria, which was known around the world as an idyllic paradise until January 20, 2017 at 12:00 PM EST, is now in shambles thanks to some minor troop reassignments. Trump tried to restablize the Middle East by announcing a deployment of 2,000 U.S. troops to defend the famed bastion of democracy and freedom Saudi Arabia, but it was too late. The damage had been done.

"It's sad that the usually serene resort destination of Syria has been transformed into a war-torn hellscape under Trump," said Hillary Clinton. "Under my watch, the Middle East was basically a big golf resort."...

"Trump has betrayed our allies, the Kurds," said one man in Arizona who had just googled "who are the Kurds" a few minutes before. "Look at all this violence he's causing in the usually utopian paradise of Syria."

The nation has called on Trump to allow U.S. soldiers to stick around for another few centuries in order to bring our various conflicts to a satisfactory conclusion

Isn't it amazing how much violence can result from troop withdrawal?

The Nike Commercial MAGA deserves

Republicans Begin Impeachment Investigation…

Mitch McConnell strides into the press conference, exuding that air of masculine confidence that made him, inevitably, a leader of men. He taps the microphone, clears his throat, and begins his presentation to the assembled reporters: “Good afternoon, everyone. I have an important announcement to make. In fact, one of historical significance.” Before the murmur in the room can die down, he declares, “Republicans of both houses of Congress are officially launching an impeachment investigation of the next Democratic President of the United States.”

After 10-15 seconds of stunned silence, the questions begin:

REPORTER 1: “But, the next Democratic President hasn’t even been inaugurated yet.”

MCCONNELL: “Neither had President Trump, when his impeachment investigation started. One example of the bipartisan nature of this investigation is how closely we are modeling it on the admirably effective techniques of our esteemed Democratic colleagues. After all, it’s all about the children.”

REPORTER 2: “Ummm… But shouldn’t you at least wait until you find out who the next Democratic President will be?”

MCCONNELL: “We feel that such procedural delays would be reckless. What if the next Democrat President ends up being black? Or female? Or gay? Or a member of some other oppressed group which hasn’t been discovered yet? This way, we can make it clear that this is not simply a partisan witch hunt. Since we don’t know who the next Democrat President will be, that makes it obvious that our motivations are pure. Besides, when you’re doing the work of the American People, typical Washington foot-dragging is unconscionable. Think of the children.”

Hillary Clinton warned of fascism coming to America during an alumnae event at her alma mater, Wellesley College.

Not a parody!

After posting a number of Babylon Bee parodies, this one read exactly like it would have been written by a parody writer trying to make Hillary Clinton appear deranged. 

“I think Madeline [Albright]'s book is really well-named: "Fascism: A Warning," Clinton said. “And the idea that 'oh, it can’t happen here' is just old-fashioned, my friends.”

“The demagoguery, the appeal to the crowd, the very clever use of symbols, the intimidation, verbal and physical,” she listed, “this is a classic pattern. There is nothing new about it, it's just different means of messages being delivered."

Clinton mentioned fascist dictators Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini and, although she never explicitly used Trump’s name, she referenced him quite frequently during her speech and repeated a few accusations against him, including Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election and obstruction of justice.

"I think with the rapidity with which information can be conveyed today because of the internet, it is an even more dangerous set of circumstances..." Clinton said, seemingly comparing Trump's America to Hitler's Germany and Mussolini's Italy.

While Cracking Down On Fringe Conspiracy Theorists, Facebook Accidentally Bans CNN

Babylon Bee:

"Our algorithm looked for pages and people that were constantly peddling outlandish conspiracy theories, and it seems to have banned CNN for some reason," a Facebook representative said in a statement. "It appears that since CNN is still insisting that President Trump colluded with Russia, despite a mountain of facts and evidence showing that he did not, our computer systems determined that our network would have much less fake news without CNN."

The Day Collusion Died

Leftists Demand That All Criticisms Of Trump Cease Until He Stops Getting Death Threats

From the Babylon Bee. America's Paper of Record ...

U.S.—The left has urged people to stop quoting stupid things Representative Ilhan Omar has said and to stop accurately pointing out that she’s a bigot because Omar has received death threats. It was revealed, though, that President Donald Trump has also received death threats.

“Yes, it’s hard to believe, since I’m the greatest president ever,” Trump told the press. “My death would be the worst tragedy this country has ever seen -- I’d expect mass suicides if it happens.” Still, he confirmed that the Secret Service has intercepted numerous death threats.

Woke’s on you

Those who doubt the operation of a beneficent, or at least an amusing, providence should consider the case of the British writer Titania McGrath. Margaret Ann Bulkley may have decided to move to South Africa and live her life as a man. But Titania McGrath, a Twitter sensation and the author of the forthcoming Woke: A Guide to Social Justice, is “a radical intersectionalist poet committed to feminism, social justice, and armed peaceful protest. A regular on the live-slam poetry scene, Titania regularly performs at arts festivals, deconsecrated churches, and genderqueer spiritual retreats.” Nice! Ms. McGrath was guyed by Private Eye forthe way she commended her book to the public: “I have written the most important book of 2019. Do not buy it for my sake, but for the sake of humanity.”

Shameless? Or in-your-face intersectional wokeness?

We incline to the latter view. Ms. McGrath burrows deep into the contradictions of late capitalism, patriarchal privilege, toxic masculinity, white supremacism, and heteronormative binary exclusivity. She is so woke she makes Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez look like Sleeping Beauty. Consider: “If you don’t think exactly the same way as me,” she points out, “then you’ve clearly got a lot to learn about diversity.” Could any triggered academic put it better? “I despise whiteness. Literally nothing about me is white except for my skin colour.”

Remember Jussie Smollett? Titania McGrath gets it: “It is absolutely essential that we believe Jussie Smollett. If we don’t, other people who haven’t been attacked might not have the courage to come forward.”

“Whenever anyone says that women aren’t funny, I take it as a compliment. Humour is a patriarchal construct.” Ditto body hair: “Chest hair is a social construct.” You knew that, right?

Read the whole thing.

To Kill a #MeTooBird

Babylon Bee: "Senate On Lockdown After Receiving Credible Threat From Known Killers"

Sarcasm warning ... put the key part is true.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—All Republican members of the United States Senate have been placed on official lockdown after known murderers publicly made ominous threats of violence against them.
pla
The group of murderous terrorists, Planned Parenthood, posted on Twitter, "Roses are red / Violets are blue / Senators vote NO on Kavanaugh / Or else we're coming for you."

"We are taking this threat very seriously, considering the organization is known to murder hundreds each and every day," said a Secret Service official. "We receive threats all the time, but we have to gauge how serious they are based on whether or not they come from credible sources. This source is very credible. They have killed people, are killing people as we speak and will kill people again. So we can't take this lightly."

Conservative senators were instructed to stay far away from windows and barricade themselves in their offices, and be on the lookout for anyone wearing a Planned Parenthood T-shirt or pink hat resembling genitals.

"This group seems to prefer killing with sharp instruments, deadly chemicals, and tiny vacuum cleaners inside doctor's offices, but you never know," said the official. "When their existence is threatened by a potential conservative majority on the Supreme Court, there's no telling how they might lash out."

Parody or not? It's hard to tell any more.

Senate Democrats Demand Supreme Court Nominee Not Be Unduly Influenced By U.S. Constitution https://t.co/TXRVboajLf pic.twitter.com/vdupI9ZGcn

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) June 29, 2018

Man Frequently Compared To Hitler Recognizes Jerusalem As Israel’s Capital

Man Frequently Compared To Hitler Recognizes Jerusalem As Israel’s Capital https://t.co/mIOhAULk3q pic.twitter.com/pBfG8zjhLY

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) May 14, 2018

"Pants on Fire"

PolitiFact Issues Blanket ‘Pants On Fire’ Rating For Any Future Statements Made By Donald Trump https://t.co/Z3OGwZ3WqA pic.twitter.com/O8ZpOxFum5

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) May 22, 2018

Please, Lord, let this be true,

Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Church Greeting Times https://t.co/juUxcb3BjG pic.twitter.com/Vt1NPwu9vw

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) June 13, 2018

Kim Jong Un Criticized For Meeting With Nation That Has Killed 60 Million Babies

Kim Jong Un Criticized For Meeting With Nation That Has Killed 60 Million Babies https://t.co/zSqje9HI1B pic.twitter.com/DsdoXr2kQr

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) June 14, 2018

Government-Funded Agency Forcibly Separates 1,000 Innocent Children From Their Mothers Each Day

Government-Funded Agency Forcibly Separates 1,000 Innocent Children From Their Mothers Each Day https://t.co/p8SoOJNN3P pic.twitter.com/16IsezdgcF

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) June 19, 2018