Step right up, step right up Ladies and Gentlemen, step right up.
Now you Sir, you there young fella' John Q Public is it? Well Mister Public, you look like a fine specimen of manhood, strappin' fine. Why with your muscles I bet you could hoist this here sledgehammer and make that bell ring like a telephone, sing like a fire alarm, peal like the dad-gum Liberty Bell!
And wouldn't this bee-ueatiful little lady next to you, your daughter I s'pect, wouldn't she just love it if you made that bell ring and won her this here stuffed pinata of President Bush to beat to your heart's content, or better yet, a bottle of this marvelous Oil O'Asp I'm a sellin'. Can't win if ya' don't try sir, can't win if ya' don't try.
And you young lady, Miz Public is it, or can I call you 'darlin'? Why let me guess your weight there gorgeous, one hunnert nineteen pounds soaking wet or my name ain't Honest Joe Wilson. And if you're a day over 19 why I'm a damned liar and...what's that you say, his wife, and a momma' to boot, why I doubt that, and you being hardly but a teenager.
Now you two look like smart folks, just a smart, smart couple. Moment I laid eye's on you two I said to myself, "Now there Joey my boy is a smart, smart couple, just a smart, smart couple," Yessir that's what I said. And am I right? Am I right? Am I right, or am I right? Right? Righhht. Yessir I'm right. And good lookin' too, Ummm Um!
Now just inside this tent here on my left is...it is John Q and Missus Public ain't it? Yessir I thought so. Well John, and Q darlin, if you'll pardon my French, this is your lucky day, 'cause today, this special day, this just once in a lifetime opportunity day we've got...we've got...we've got a show so amazing and incredible, that it's been swallered' hook, line and sinker by not 1, not 2 but 3 Major TV Networks, plus 2 itty bitty ones, and all 479 editorial boards across this fruited plain, as God's Honest Truth these past 3 years.
First up, wearin' nothin' but her fair vanity, we've got the bodacious Princess Valerie, all the way from Foggy Bottom, wrapped in a love embrace with a 2 headed Boa Constrictor named Kristof and Corn.
Next is that fabulous India Rubber Man, Andrew Sullivan. You'll laugh, you'll cry, as he contorts his political positions so bad he don't even need a partner to commit sodomy!
Then watch in stunned belief as the great Expectorator hisself, Chrissy Matthews, spits a full 4 feet across a TV round table and hits Michelle Malkin square in the kisser.
Ooooo, then things'll turn spooky as our very own Ghost of Christmas Past, Lawrence O'Donnell, travels back through time to reveal, from a magic list in his coatpocket, the 22 Rethuglican Conspirator's indicted on Fitzmas 2 Years Ago!
Your heart now poundin' like racehorses folk's, we'll slow it down. For comic relief we've got our favorite 600 pound pig, The Old Gray Lady, and you'll die laughing as our 3 clowns, Krugman, Rich and MoDo, try to catch that old sow and put lipstick on her. Wheww, tear's in my eye's just thinkin' bout it, 'scuse me a sec.
Next we'll spring the lovely Miz Andrea on you, able to develop amnesia quicker 'n any human being ever, dead or alive. And don't kid yourself thinkin she can't multiply 1 X 2 X 6, nunh, unh.
But what's a show without acts of courage you ask. We got...wait for it, wait for it now...all the way from Viet Nam via the Queen O' England, we got us Sir Dickless Rich Armitage himself, off in the corner there polishing his personal bravery. This critter is such a mystifying mess of incorruptiblity that he's able to effortlessly reveal unauthorized gossip 'bout CIA ops to every Tom, Dick and Harry reporter in the U. S. of A, yet breathes not a single solitary word to The President when ordered to come clean. Why if I could bottle such bravery I'd add it to my Sna..er Oil O' Asp concoction folks. Dick's a real charmer, big media favorite.
Then last but not least, a scene guaranted to scare the Be-jesus outta' you or your money back, we offer...The Cabal. That's right THE CABAL, pure concentrated essence o' evil itself! Here you'll see a 57 year old Jew named Scooter recitin' poetry 'bout Aspen trees as he out's a covert CIA agent. Absolutely horrifying. And if that don't completely terrorize ya', then you'll witness a scene even more horrendous, a Behestin' Dick Cheney loading a shotgun while drinkin' a beer! Cross my heart and hope to die folks if that ain't Gospel. 'Scuse me while I shudder.
And then last but not least, a spectacle most folks'll never even dream of, never even imagine could have existed. Yessir, guaranted to send shivers down the backs of grown men and make women and children weep like heifer cows, we present...seeing's believin' folks, seing's believin',...the one and only Puppet Master himself, a frog marching Karl Rove just a daring his telephone to ring. Why terrifies a body just to contemplate such a thing. The hair on my neck's rising up like the dead in a graveyard come 'Pocalypse Day' even as I speak it. Yesiree, if you're man enough step right up, step right up right now Ladies and Gentlemen.
Koolaid's on your right as you enter.
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