Mitch McConnell strides into the press conference, exuding that air of masculine confidence that made him, inevitably, a leader of men. He taps the microphone, clears his throat, and begins his presentation to the assembled reporters: “Good afternoon, everyone. I have an important announcement to make. In fact, one of historical significance.” Before the murmur in the room can die down, he declares, “Republicans of both houses of Congress are officially launching an impeachment investigation of the next Democratic President of the United States.”
After 10-15 seconds of stunned silence, the questions begin:
REPORTER 1: “But, the next Democratic President hasn’t even been inaugurated yet.”
MCCONNELL: “Neither had President Trump, when his impeachment investigation started. One example of the bipartisan nature of this investigation is how closely we are modeling it on the admirably effective techniques of our esteemed Democratic colleagues. After all, it’s all about the children.”
REPORTER 2: “Ummm… But shouldn’t you at least wait until you find out who the next Democratic President will be?”
MCCONNELL: “We feel that such procedural delays would be reckless. What if the next Democrat President ends up being black? Or female? Or gay? Or a member of some other oppressed group which hasn’t been discovered yet? This way, we can make it clear that this is not simply a partisan witch hunt. Since we don’t know who the next Democrat President will be, that makes it obvious that our motivations are pure. Besides, when you’re doing the work of the American People, typical Washington foot-dragging is unconscionable. Think of the children.”
REPORTER 3: “Um, ok. So what, like, crimes are you accusing the, um, next Democratic president of? You know?”
MCCONNELL: “Let me be clear. We are troubled by the concerning pattern of concerns and troubles that that Democratic president will have been concerning us with, in addition to the troubling concerns that concern not just us, but the children. Really. It’s just awful. Very unconstitutional. And troubling.”
REPORTER 4: “But isn’t this, like, attempting to overturn an election that hasn’t even happened yet? Don’t you believe in respecting the will of the people? Don’t you think elections are important?
MCCONNELL: “Republicans do believe in elections. Republicans believe that all elections are equally important. But we also respect the view of our esteemed Democratic colleagues, that if an election is won by somebody we don’t like, then that election is less equal than others. That’s what this is all about. Bipartisan respect for one another’s perspectives. Because if Democrats and Republicans can’t see eye to eye on basic concepts of democracy, then our country really is broken. This is about what kind of democracy we’re leaving to our children. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go do the work of the American people. Good day.”
The reporters sit silently, staring at the opposite wall, for a long time. Their facial expressions suggest that they are all doing long division in their heads. After a while, one of them attempts to express the thought which all of them were trying to work out in their highly trained, political minds:
REPORTER 2: “Holy $%@#.”
REPORTER 4: “Do you think it’s possible?”
REPORTER 1: “Is what possible? To impeach a president who’s not been elected yet?”
REPORTER 1: “No. Do you think it’s possible that Republicans are not as stupid as we’ve always presumed?”
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