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Sunday, May 24, 2020

 

AN EDITED COMMENCEMENT SPEECH FOR THE CLASS OF 2020

Hello, Class of 2020!
We are gathered on the lawn our screens today to celebrate a momentous occasion, your graduation from college! As your Dean of Arts and Sciences Zoom Operations, I am honored to be here teleconferencing with you today. Before I begin, let us all give a round of applause press the clap reaction to celebrate the achievements of our newest graduating class.
Class of 2020, how does it feel to have your hard work culminate in such a joyous devastating moment? For many students, this day feels like something out of a dream nightmare. Whether you studied Math, Music, or Environmental Science, all of you should be feeling a sense of accomplishment overwhelming dread.
As you sit here today in your graduation gowns unwashed pajamas, surrounded by your closest friends and family membersempty bedroom, remember to treasure this moment. Treasure your memories of Senior Week your abrupt, final day of class. Treasure your memories of Spring Break canceled plans the Student-Faculty Dinnera panicked phone-call home, and Senior Formal being forcibly removed from your dorms. And most of all, treasure your memory of this graduation ceremony sobbing hysterically while you packed your stuff into your parents’ minivan.
During your college careers, you worked hard to prepare yourself for amazing jobs jobs that no longer exist. Our graduates will go on to practice law manufacture N95 masksrun businessesdrive ambulances, and work in Hollywood Purell factories. This audience is full of extraordinary talent, and I have no doubt that our students will achieve extraordinary things. Some of our students may even compete in the Olympics, write best-selling novels, or run for office survive!
Sadly, today might be the last time that you see some of your classmates you will probably never see your classmates again. Because after today, our brilliant graduates will be moving all over the country. They will be settling in places like New York City their parent’s home in OhioLos Angeles their parent’s home in Florida, or Chicago their parent’s home in Connecticut.
Class of 2020, treat your life moving forward as a big adventure! If I could go back in time and give my younger self one piece of advice, it would be to travel the world stay at home. After all, our planet is full of incredible sights viral pathogens that will surely amaze you kill you. Now has never been a better worse time to travel the globe. Seize these opportunities while you are young, otherwiseyou may never have a chance to travel again!
The future is in your hands totally up in the air, to be honest. What you do with your college education will hopefully impact our society what is left of our society. We can all agree that this last semester has been a bundle of joy fucking train wreck, and let’s hope we never forget quickly forget this period of our lives.
And with that, Class of 2020, you did it! Now go out there stay insideembrace the ones you love stay inside, and change the world please, for the love of God, just stay inside!!
[Cue Graduation Cap Toss]
[End Zoom Call]

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