Places to retire

You can retire to 'Phoenix', Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. On every street corner, you can buy drugs or you can get in a gun fight with drug runners

OR. . .

You can retire to 'California' where . . .

1. You make over $250,000 and pay 70% of it in taxes
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there.
6. The 5 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, Drought and Tax

OR. . .

You can retire to 'New York City' where . . .

1. You say "The City" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. If you have a car, you've worn out the car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to 'Wisconsin' where . . .

1. You only have four spices: Salt, Pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
6. You believe Unions are God’s gift to man kind

OR. . .

You can retire to the 'Deep South' where. . .

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, Ina Dale, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.
6. Church is where families go to seek God

OR. . .

You can retire to 'Colorado' where. . .

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
5. You think Mountain High and Getting High are the same

OR. . .

You can retire to the 'Midwest' where. . .

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR. . .

FINALLY you can retire to 'Florida' where. . .

1. You eat Dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even Houses and Cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the State.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by 'headless people'.
6. People still remember what it was like to be an American before it disappeared