Antifa Organizers Announce Plans To Disrupt Neo-Nazi Rally Or Whatever Else Going On That Day

Relax folks, it's the Onion.



Democrats with masks and clubs.

BERKELEY, CA—Vowing to derail whichever event it is by any means necessary, local Antifa organizers announced plans Monday to disrupt an upcoming neo-Nazi rally or whatever else is going on that day. “We will stop at nothing to prevent these vile fucking neo-Nazi hatemongers from gathering, or, if not them, someone else,” said Sarah Jackson, 26, adding that the only way to end the spread of fascism is to physically confront Nazis, peaceful right-wing protesters, or just random people going about their daily lives. “We need to tell these Hitler-loving fucks or whoever else is standing there, ‘Get out of our city!’ Remember, we’re talking about white supremacist terrorists, people running errands on their lunch breaks, or a group of tourists, so if we have to throw a punch or two, then so fucking be it.” At press time, black-clad Antifa demonstrators screaming “Fascists, go home!” had swarmed a Scandinavian street festival.

These people cannot be mocked enough and it's literally impossible to parody them.  

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

From the Onion:

• Combine inspirational charisma of Ted Cruz with raw sexual magnetism of John Kasich
• Gradually win over Trump supporters by posting subtle pro-establishment messages in YouTube comments sections of chemtrail conspiracy videos
• Stress how Trump’s most ludicrous-sounding policies really not all that different from Cruz’s and Kasich’s
• Punch a wall a few times in frustration
• Call Trump in the middle of the night and then hang up to ensure he’s constantly tired
• Publish a measured but critical op-ed suggesting Trump may possess personality traits at odds with the demands of nation’s highest office
• Quietly announce additional GOP primaries in delegate-rich states of Cruziana and Kasichberg
• Maybe a few million more dollars’ worth of ads where someone talks in a deep voice
• Make concerted effort to start taking Trump seriously eight months ago

 Now that's funny.  I think most of them have been tried.

Obama Compiles Shortlist Of Gay, Transsexual Abortion Doctors To Replace Scalia

From The Onion

WASHINGTON—Moving quickly to begin the process of filling the unexpected vacancy on the Supreme Court bench, President Obama spent much of the weekend compiling a shortlist of gay, transsexual abortion doctors to replace the late Antonin Scalia, White House sources confirmed Monday. “These are all exemplary candidates with strong homosexual values and proven records of performing partial-birth abortions, but am I missing anyone?” Obama reportedly asked himself while reviewing his list of queer, gender-nonconforming, feminist Planned Parenthood employees, all of whom were also said to be black immigrants. “I definitely have enough post-op transsexuals on the list, but it is a little light on pre-op candidates. And I should probably add a cop killer or two on here just to round out my options.” Sources later confirmed that Obama was attempting to rapidly narrow the list down to the single best nominee to submit to the Senate in hopes of wrapping up confirmation hearings before his choice had to leave to attend the Hajj pilgrimage.

Glenn Reynolds notes that Future historians will read The Onion and be unable to tell it from the actual news.

Hillary Clinton Hints At Presidential Ambitions By Concealing Information From American People

Hints from The Onion that Hillary's Ready.

WASHINGTON—Fueling further speculation this week that she has her sights set on the Oval Office, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is said to have hinted at her presidential ambitions by concealing a vast trove of information from the American people. “By using a personal email account to keep records out of the hands of investigators and the U.S. populace, Clinton is making it resoundingly clear that she has presidential aspirations,” said political analyst Stuart Rothenberg, adding that Clinton’s efforts to obfuscate basic facts and hide thousands of documents from taxpayers for years on end demonstrate her capacity to successfully perform the duties of the commander-in-chief. “Clinton is showing voters that she’s ready and willing to circumvent regulations in order to keep Americans in the dark on important issues and prevent anyone from uncovering potentially incriminating evidence. This is definitely her most unambiguous declaration of her intentions at a presidential run.” Rothenberg added that Clinton’s flimsy justifications for her actions and her efforts to deflect blame further prove that she will handily win the Democratic nomination in 2016.

Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’

The Onion reads Hillary's mind.

 

WASHINGTON—After several seconds spent sitting motionless and glaring directly into the camera, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly began Sunday’s video announcing her 2016 presidential bid by warning the nation not to fuck this up for her. “Listen up, assholes, ’cause I’m only saying this once: I’ve worked way too goddamn hard to let you morons blow this thing for me,” said Clinton, repeatedly jabbing her index finger toward the viewers at home while adding that if they thought she was going to simply sit back and watch them dick her over like they did in 2008, they were out of their fucking minds.

Read the whole thing.