The Government Conspiracy to Fool the Public on 9/11

From Puh Leeze:

(in a secret government meeting room, somewhere in a secret government location....)

"Okay, so we've decided: we're going to hijack two airplanes carrying our fellow Americans and crash them into the heart of our country's financial center - which will be full of tens of thousands of American workers. That ought to get this country angry enough for war!"

"Uh, sir? I'm not sure that's enough. How 'bout we find a way to rig the buildings in advance so they'll collapse after the planes hit?"

"Hmmm.... interesting idea Smith. How would we do that?"

"Well, we'd have to hire a contractor and probably a hundred or so workers. And find a way to clear the building for several days before hand. Oh, and we'd have to make sure that all those contractors were as evil as we are and wouldn't mind killing thousands of their fellow citizens. Shouldn't be a problem."

"Great. Let's do that too. Add that to the list."

“Excuse me?”

“Yes Johnson?”

“Why do we need to collapse the buildings? Don’t we think Americans will be angry enough at hundreds of dead airline passengers and WTC workers?”

“Shut up Johnson.”

“Yes sir.”

"Hey! And let's let lots of people in the WTC know that it's going to happen so they can benefit by insider trading!"

"Now that's thinking Smith. Get right on it! So... are we decided then?"

(chorus) "Yes sir!"

"Sir, I have another great idea."

"Let’s hear it Smith."

“Let’s get a third plane and crash it into the Pentagon!”

“Wow. The Pentagon. I like the way your murderous mind works Smith. Somebody put three planes on the requisition list.”

“Well, instead of an actual plane, I was thinking we could just use a missile and tell the American public that it was a plane.”

“Hmm... so we don’t hijack a third airplane?

“Oh no, we still hijack a third plane, but we don't crash it, instead we fire a missile into the Pentagon and say that it's the plane we hijacked.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier to just crash an actual plane?”

“Well, yes, it would be easier. But I was talking with Stevens here, from the Office of Making Things Exponentially More Complicated Than Necessary, and he thinks that not only should we use a missile instead of the plane that we’re going to have to hijack anyway, we should offload all the passengers and crew somewhere else, kill them, and then return the plane to the airline.”

“So we kill the passengers and crew at some other location and then transport all the dead bodies to the Pentagon?”

“No we’ll just dump the bodies somewhere else, maybe a mass grave in Iraq - dress them all up to look like dead Kurds or something.”

“How will we explain the fact that there are no passengers’ bodies at the crash site? And no plane?”

“We’ll say they were incinerated in the fire.”

“Hmmm... that makes no sense whatsoever. I think I like it.”

“Excuse me?”

“What is it this time Johnson?”

“Why return the plane to the airline?”

“Shut up Johnson”

“Yes sir.”

“Okay, so I think we’ve got it. We hijack three planes, crash two of them into the WTC which we’ve prewired to crumble into dust, take the third plane and disappear it long enough to murder the passengers and crew then return that plane to the airline (Stevens, make a note to find an evil airline that will go along with that) and fire a missile into the Pentagon that we will then claim is the missing airplane. Now that will definitely get us a war! The public will be outraged!!! So I guess we’re all decided.... Wait. As long as we’re destroying the twin towers, lets blow up that ugly little building on the side too. I never liked that building.”

(chorus) “Yes sir. You da man!”

"Sir? I recommend that we also crash a plane into Pennsylvania."

"Pennsylvania? Into what, the Amish?"

"No. Just a field in Pennsylvania."

“Smith, I like the idea of killing innocent Americans as much as the next government official, but we’ve already stretched ourselves pretty thin here. We’ve got to find evil contractors to help us blow up the WTC, evil capitalists who’re willing to profit from it even while they’re sitting in the building that they know is about to be hit by an airplane, murderers who will kill the passengers of the plane we’re not crashing and help dispose of the bodies, an evil airline to take the supposedly-crashed plane back, evil military types with missiles to launch one at the nation’s military command center... the list goes on and on. And I think we’ve got our war pretty well sewn up with what we’ve got here. I don’t see why we need to attack a Pennsylvania field.”

"Yes sir. But you haven’t heard the rest of my idea. Instead of just hijacking the plane and crashing it into the field - that would be easy enough - we’ll hijack the plane, fly it to Ohio, unload everyone (and kill them of course) then create a fake crash site in Pennsylvania and transport the bodies there along with some fake wreckage!"

"Wouldn't it be easier to just hijack the plane and crash it?"

“Well of course. But if we do it my way we could let literally hundreds MORE unnecessary people in on our plan!”

“You’re right Smith, when it comes to a huge secret conspiracy like we’re planning, the more people involved, the better.”

“Oh, and before we kill the passengers and crew, we’ll record their voices and use some brand new and still pretty untested technology to place phony phone calls to their loved ones telling those loved ones that they’re going to die! That way we’ll have even more people involved.”

"Smith, you're a genius. No one can concoct a super-secret conspiracy like you."

“Excuse me?”

“This better be good Johnson.”

“I don’t know if I can really go along with this. I mean, isn’t just one plane into one tower plenty of carnage to get us our war? After all, only a few hundred soldiers died at Pearl Harbor and that led to a World War. Isn’t this, well,
overkill?”

“You really feel that way Johnson?”

“Yes sir.”

“Somebody shoot Johnson.”

(chorus) "Yes sir!"

"Sir! Wait!"

"Smith?"

"Instead of just shooting Johnson, why don't we take off all his clothes and throw them out the window? Then we can tell people that he jumped and killed himself but that his body vaporized upon contact with the ground. Then we'll call an emergency evacuation of this building so that we can walk Johnson buck naked down thirty floors and into the parking garage, where we'll take him into the security room and have a dozen-or-so evil teamsters beat him senseless with tire irons. Then we'll get a squad of evil cheerleaders to .....