Scrappleface: UN Calls on Al Qaeda to Open Detention Facility

A day after releasing a report accusing the United States of torture, and demanding closure of its terrorist detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, the United Nations anti-torture panel called on Al Qaeda to “open a detention facility anywhere, hold prisoners for years without charges, and subject them to controversial interrogation techniques.”

“The U.S. is a super power that has violated the 1984 Convention Against Torture,” said U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan, “But Al Qaeda is still is a developing power, so we must have different expectations and goals for Mr. Bin Laden.”

The panel’s report laid out a process designed to move al Qaeda in “baby steps” from its current practice of beheading and blowing up innocent civilians, to taking them prisoner and torturing them, to eventually running a clean, safe, modern prisoner-of-war camp in full compliance with the United Nations protocols.

Meanwhile, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said the Pentagon is considering a plan to transfer its 460 ‘Gitmo’ detainees to the U.N., “where a group of international thugs, still awaiting charges, would not attract so much attention.”