An Open Letter to Sarah Palin
By Wile E. Reporter
National Political Correspondent, MSNBCNNABS
(Medius Vulgaris)
*Knock Knock Knock*
Good afternoon, madam. Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Wile E. Reporter, investigative correspondent for an international network news gathering organization. No doubt you may have seen my award-winning coverage, assuming your igloo is equipped with a satellite dish. No, I am not selling anything nor am I working my way through college, so let's get down to cases. You are a Republican candidate, and I am going to eat you alive. Now don't try to get away! I am more educated, more cunning, faster, and larger than you are... and I'm a genius. In fact, I have not one, but two diplomas from the Acme Correspondence School of Journalism. And you? Why, you could hardly pass the entrance examinations to kindergarten, let alone the vice presidency of a major western democracy. Rather than suffer the inevitable torture of the vetting I am about to give you, I think you will agree that it's best for both of us that we save time and get this over with quickly. I will give you the customary two minutes to say your prayers, and take the "Eagleton option."
*SLAM*
Sigh. Why do they always want to do it the hard way?
----------------------
Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo... now where did I put that protractor? Ahh, here it is! Let me see... if the hypotenuse the parabola of a pregnant teenager... is inversely proportional to the approval ratings of the religious Right... then if I set the azimuth of the baby scandal catapult to 72.415 degrees, she'll be crushed as flat as her barren Alaskan tundra. Muwahahaha!
...Egads! I must say, sometimes I astonish even myself with my own genius!
And now, to bait the hook. Simply load in this explosive charge into the cup... unghhhh... pull the lever and...
SPROING
FLIPPFF
KROONFFFFCH
ow.
KERSPLOOOOWWWM
Wfwell, Backh to tphe oldl drawbling bloard.
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