Dial 'M' For Maternity

Iowahawk "does" Andrew Sullivan. Excerpt:

"So, Doc, you're saying that Bristol Palin gave birth to both of those babies?"

Burns -- the Atlantic crime lab's gynecologist -- took off his stethoscope, put his face in his palms, and slowly rubbed his eyes.

"No, Loads, you fucking idiot. That's the exact opposite of what I'm saying. The human gestation cycle is 9 months, and the human female is physically incapable of completing two separate birth cycles within an 11 month period. The odds of an 18 year old female having a Down's Syndrome baby are more than 100,000 to 1, compared to 30 to 1 for a female in her 40s. It is an anatomic, physiological impossibility, never before seen in the history of human medicine."

"Ahhh... I catch your drift, sawbones," I said, looking up at the fluorescent panels of his exam room. "You're saying... you're saying that the Palins may not actually be humans! Dammit! How could have I been so blind no to see all the obvious clues? Do you suspect they may be a sleeper cell for intergalactic invaders?"

The medico looked at me with a blank stare for a few minutes. I could tell he knew something, but was too afraid to talk.

"Inspector Loads, do you use marijuana frequently?"

"Depends. Is five or six times a day frequent?"

"Are you on any HIV medications that might cause delusions or hallucinations?"

"Who isn't? Why do you ask?"

"Inspector Loads, I'm referring you to a specialist in your kind of... problem," he said, scribbling out a note and handing it to me. "Good luck."

"Thanks for the clues, Doc. When I bring down Palin, I'll put you in for a commendation."