I Need You To Pay Off MY Student Debt

'I'm The Student Loan Fairy And I'm Here To Pay Off Your Debts!' Cries Elizabeth Warren While Dangling On Wires Above College Kids

From the newspaper of record; the Babylon Bee

BOSTON, MA—Students in the dining hall at Boston University were in for a surprise when presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren suddenly appeared above their heads, wearing pink fairy wings and holding a magic wand.

“I am the Student Loan Fairy and I’m here to pay off all your debts!” exclaimed the Democratic candidate as she slowly descended from the rafters, “Bippidi-boppidi-boo! Have some fairy dust!”

Todd Freeman, a Canadian Studies major, was eating a deconstructed avocado sandwich when he looked up to see Warren dangling from some clearly visible stage wires.

“She was just kind of awkwardly trying to steady herself while she waved her wand about and threw handfuls of glitter at us,” Freeman said, “Then she kind of lost control of the bag of glitter and just dumped it all over my table. It got in my eyes, and I’ve taken three showers and still can’t get it all out of my hair.” Luckily for Freeman, though, learning to get glitter out of things is the most practical thing he's learned at college so far.

Babylon Bee: "Millennial Who Pays $0 In Taxes Outraged She Will Still Pay $0 In Taxes"

PALO ALTO, CA—Local millennial and part-time retail clerk Cady Benson expressed her outrage Tuesday over the new Republican tax plan, which will force her to continue to pay exactly zero dollars of federal income tax in coming years, sources confirmed.

Benson, whose personal tax burden for the past five years adds up to a grand total of zero, ripped the new GOP plan on social media. “Republicans sure know how to take care of their fat cat donor friends!” said a tweet from the 25-year-old, who has never had to pay any taxes on the money she earns working part-time at Patagonia while pursuing her degree in liberal arts. “This new plan is not OK!”

“And what about my student loans? The greedy establishment types in Congress are stealing my student loan deduction, just to line the pockets of their billionaire buddies?” tweeted the woman who has never had to claim a deduction on any tax form because her income bracket has never required her to pay anything to federal or state revenue departments.

“They’re just soaking the poor to feed the rich!” tweeted Benson, who, along with millions of other working Americans, will continue to pay zero taxes under the new GOP plan.

REMEMBER WHEN THE FACT THAT MORE WOMEN WERE GOING TO COLLEGE AND GRADUATE SCHOOL WAS PROOF THAT MEN ARE LOSERS?

REMEMBER WHEN THE FACT THAT MORE WOMEN WERE GOING TO COLLEGE AND GRADUATE SCHOOL WAS PROOF THAT MEN ARE LOSERS? NOW: Student loan debt just hit $1.5 trillion. Women hold most of it. I predict that the proposed solutions will involve transferring money from men to pay it off.

If only someone had warned them.

Frank J. Fleming comments on the student loan problem.

I have a great new idea: Let’s use the government to help give giant, unsecured loans to one of the dumbest groups in our society — teenagers....

Student loans top both credit card and auto loan debt, and student loan debt is all held by an increasingly worthless group: college graduates. We give $100,000 loans to teenagers — people you normally wouldn’t trust with $100 loans — and then they party for four years while majoring in art history and graduate to join an Occupy Wall Street protest to complain about all the debt they have and can’t pay back. If the goal is to create annoying, useless hippies, I’m pretty sure it can be done for much cheaper. This student loan nonsense has to end.

Oh, I know many will object to that. “Making these loans is investing in our children’s education.” But objectively, this has been an absolutely horrible investment lately. Taking the same money we’d put into a college education and instead placing it in a mutual fund would get you a much better return on your money. Plus that won’t eventually scream about the 1% and defecate on a cop car. I mean, just look at how few people can get jobs right out of college these days. Rats trained to pull levers to get food pellets have more useful skills than most of today’s college grads. And the cost of training rats doesn’t grow faster than inflation.