He Gets Us

Satan: He Gets Us pic.twitter.com/7aEIUQ1g9p

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) February 14, 2024

Planned Parenthood Rebranding Meeting

Wanna know how the government works?

Wanna know how the government works? pic.twitter.com/QHAEACTCcD

— THE UNITED SPOT (@THEUNITEDSPOT_) December 28, 2023

Explaining gender to aliens.

Alien Confused As Earth Leaders Try To Explain All The Human Genders pic.twitter.com/SP3XZBbhrn

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) June 29, 2023

Covid lies are funny

.@krystalball is exact person I’m talking about here, Ignorant on purpose & as anti-intellectual as can be. Repeating Big Pharma propaganda while shaming people for READING & getting informed about an experimental medical treatment they’re forced to take. pic.twitter.com/zlErlBx6a0 https://t.co/TJNLmuETDy

— Jimmy Dore (@jimmy_dore) May 17, 2023

Great Moments in American History, Revised According to AP's Inclusive Style Guide

 What happened: The Associated Press issued new style recommendations that aim to promote diversity and inclusion by discouraging the use of "general and often dehumanizing 'the' labels such as the poor, the mentally ill, the French, the disabled, the college-educated."

Read the whole thing

Katie Hobbs Projected To Win Arizona Governor’s Race With 108% Of Precincts Reporting

 

Republicans have been roundly condemned for denying an election that was 8% more democratic than the last election.

After Ignoring Attacks On Churches & Pro-Lifers, Media Decides Political Violence Worth Covering Again

 

"To anyone who doesn't speak out against this politically-motivated attack on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's husband, I will say only this: your silence is deafening." Joe Scarborough of MSNBC addressed his viewer this morning in his first recent coverage of political violence amid several months of firebombed pregnancy centers and churches, an assassination attempt on a sitting Supreme Court Justice, and the running down of 18-year-old Cayler Ellingson in a truck for being a Republican.

Scarborough's call for all public figures to directly condemn political violence has been echoed across other popular left-leaning outlets, most of whom have not covered the widespread terroristic intimidation against conservatives from the last several months. 

VIDEO: Democrat Midterm Ad: Vote For The Status Quo

Besides COVID, Here Are 43 Other Things Democrats Are Requesting Amnesty On

 

After shattering countless lives with heavy-handed and unscientific COVID responses, the Democrats are now asking America to "forget it and move on."

Let's just pretend it never happened, shall we?

Here are some other things Democrats want you to forget their responsibility for:

1. Slavery
2. Jim Crow laws
3. Grooming children
4. Ted Kennedy
5. U2
6. Banning Dr. Seuss books
7. Trying to shut down a local business by Oberlin College with false accusations of racism
8. Trying to shut down a local business in Colorado with false accusations of homophobia
9. The DMV
10. Kale
11. Dr. Fauci
12. The Rings of Power
13. Comedienne Amy Schumer
14. The term "comedienne"
15. President Andrew Jackson
16. The Indian Removal Act and Trail of Tears
17. Gluing themselves to things
18. Keto cereal
19. Turning the frogs gay
20. $5 coffee
21. Faking Obama's birth certificate
22. Jeffrey Epstein
23. Killing Jeffrey Epstein
24. Michael Moore
25. Not killing Michael Moore
26. Peanut butter that you have to stir
27. The term "the personal is political"
28. The KKK
29. Kale again
30. Homeless crisis
31. Fatherless homes
32. Facebook's Metaverse
33. $7 coffee
34. The invention of taxation
35. Encouraging early decorating for Christmas as a scheme to make people annoyed with the holiday
36. The song "Do They Know It's Christmas?"
37. Saying "Happy Holidays" in a deliberate act to murder Christmas
38. Soccer
39. Calories and cholesterol
40. Electric cars
41. Burning down cities and murdering 19 people during the summer of love
42. Trying every day to destroy the whole of Western Civilization
43. Hillary Clinton

DHS Announces They Will Suppress As Much Speech As It Takes To Preserve Democracy

 

"As everyone knows, democracy is when Democrats hold unlimited power, and today that sacred foundation of our country is under attack from free speech," said Mayorkas from a massive television screen being played in the town square before an assembly of glassy-eyed citizens in identical grey jumpsuits. "We will not tire of protecting our country from violent threats such as speech, opinions, people saying stuff, and bad inward thoughts that poison the mind against your benevolent overlords. I love democracy!"

Democracy experts warn that democracy is under threat like never before as millions are being allowed to say whatever they want to each other without trusted fact-checkers supervising their every word. Said experts are recommending greater powers be given to the Department of Homeland Security to address this growing threat.

Coming to America

Interest In Drag Queen Story Hours Wanes After They're Renamed More Accurate 'Man Wearing Lingerie Wants To Spend Time With Your Kids Hour'

 

According to sources, local parents have expressed their concerns and hesitancy to support these story hours after suddenly realizing they involve grown men in lingerie spending time with little kids. "My eyes are opened," said concerned parent Hank Richards. "My alarm bells started going off when the library changed the name of this event. It seems super creepy now."

"We're still out here doing the same thing we've always done," continued Brandie Schmuts. "We're getting a bunch of men to dress up in skimpy, sexualized women's clothing to share with the most innocent, young, and impressionable minds why half-naked grown men speaking to children is a good thing, actually."

At publishing time, the Drag Queens tried switching their story hour name again to either "Grown-Men-In-Thongs-Twerk-For-Justice-On-Your-Kids Hour' or "Confused-Men-Sexually-Confuse-And-Scar-Your-Children-For-Life Hour," but everyone was still too bigoted to let them within 500 yards of the schools.

Are You A Fascist? 12 Signs To Look For

 

You want people to make their own decisions about their kids' education and what things they inject in their bodies and crazy stuff like that: This is hard-line Nazism – individual responsibility instead of state control. Terrifying.

You wear a tiny mustache and goose-step everywhere: honestly, you should probably get yourself checked for fascism if you have any kind of mustache…

You give a speech flanked by marines in front of an ominous red background, accusing your political opponents of being enemies of the state: Wait a minute, is this list taking a turn?

You use federal law enforcement to intimidate and attack political opponents: Only a dictator like Trump would do this!

You use the media as a puppet to spread great propaganda: For example: "The Afghanistan withdrawal was the greatest military accomplishment since the Berlin airlift."

You dehumanize the other party to the point that your followers are literally trying to mow them down in the street: Trump again! Obviously.

California Man Takes Fiancée Out Of State For A Romantic Lightbulb-Lit Dinner

 

"I know how to treat a girl right. And that's why tonight we're leaving California and going to Nevada for a truly special dinner," said Davis to his fiancée Angela. "Tonight I want to set the mood and take you to a fancy restaurant connected to a functioning power grid for a lovely lightbulb-lit meal."

According to sources, Angela said she felt spoiled being able to see both her man and their food without finding matches or candles or wax getting everywhere.

I Need You To Pay Off MY Student Debt

To Promote Inclusion, California Passes Law Requiring Men To Sit When They Pee

 

The law includes provisions for the demolition of existing urinals, with "reading stations" rebuilt in their place. These reading stations will include copies of inclusive reading material helping cis-men learn to do better. The government said it plans to pay for the reading material with all the money saved on janitors since men should no longer miss the pot and pee on the floor.

Biden Explains We Can Only Come Together As A Nation By Exterminating The Republican Half

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stirring call for unity and peace in America, President Biden today called for killing off half the country.

"It's real simple, folks! " said President Biden. "America can be united if we can just murder everyone who disagrees with me. Peace in our time, Jack!"

While most Democrats agreed with Biden's understatedly brilliant plan, some expressed concern that he was getting ahead of himself. "We've only just recently introduced the idea that anyone who disagrees with us is a dangerous extremist who deserves to die," said DNC Chair Jaime Harrison. "You've got to give that a little more time to marinate before we really start taking them out."

Republicans argued that telling people you disagree with to die isn't really unity, but to no avail. "Hey, I tried asking nicely for you to stop disagreeing with me," said Biden. "But you Republicans are making unity impossible by insisting on saying I'm wrong. So we've got to do what any good democracy does - kill all of you."

At publishing time, Biden accused Republicans of violence after they reportedly started buying guns to defend themselves from extermination.

Apple TV+ Announces New Show 'Clintons In Cars Killing Witnesses'

 

Each show will follow the Clinton ladies as they track down and kill someone who could possibly turn on them. "Watching them assassinate people is like watching Michelangelo paint the Sistine Chapel," said cameraman Jan Blagojevich. "Absolute masters. Every week, you get to see a new way that the Clintons plant evidence to frame the death as a suicide, or perhaps a lover's quarrel. It's simply breathtaking."

Producers hatched the idea after seeing the ratings Clinton scored with her hanging of Jeffrey Epstein. "If you look at the demographic breakdown, Epstein's murder was nothing less than a crossover smash," said Apple showrunner Cory Gates. "This show has true crime, politics, everything. The best part is at the end of each episode when you get to see how the news reported on the apparent 'suicide'. Oh hang on, I'm getting a call! Looks like the Clintons are on the move again."

The Babylon Bee Explains: Christian Nationalism

 

Christian Nationalism is a Satanic movement in which Christians love America and vote for Republicans. It is literally the evilest thing that has ever existed in this country, and the gravest danger the American church has ever faced. It is important to stop this wicked, depraved, idolatrous movement before they organize another insurrection — or worse, elect a Republican.

Origins: One day Trump had a meeting with Satan in his underground lair and concocted a diabolical plan to trick Christians into voting for him by banning abortion and helping all the people find jobs. Thus, Christian Nationalism was born, and millions of so-called Christians voted for Trump — even though he's a sinner. Despicable!

Beliefs: Christian Nationalists literally worship Trump. They think he's a god. They pray to him and stuff. At least some of them do. At least, we think. The rest worship Jesus but still voted for Trump... which is really no different than worshipping him. Shame!

Methods:

• Prayer
• Voting for Republicans
• Going to church
• Having lots of kids
• Being white
• Can also be black or Hispanic, but voting for Trump automatically makes them white
• Memorizing the Constitution
• Building walls
• Insurrection
• Dancing around a golden Trump statue and sacrificing virgins in a roaring fire in the light of the full moon

Notable accomplishments: Making America the most racist country in the world, turning millions away from Christianity, overturning Roe v. Wade.

How to spot a Christian Nationalist: You can always tell a Christian nationalist by their MAGA hats. If they're not wearing a MAGA hat, you'll know by when they say things like "I love America," or "Gee, I'm not a fan of what Biden's doing." Just like the Nazis.

Famous Christian Nationalists: Hitler, Satan, and Trump, but we repeat ourselves.

Famous enemies of Christian Nationalism: AOC, Joseph Stalin, Fidel Castro, David French.