Kurt Schlichter: Dating Tips For Prominent Democrats

We’ve learned so much about what women face in the last few weeks, and you liberal men should take this as an opportunity to change – specifically, out of your flapping bathrobes and into some Dockers. Groping, flashing, molesting shrubs – believe it or not, some women consider these things to be wrong. Crazy? Sure, but for now it’s no more monkey business as usual. As a noted Democrat, you need to maintain your political viability, and you can exploit the respect and concern for women you’ve always pretended to have to help you dodge responsibility for whatever you’ve already done!

Hey, nobody gets into liberal politics because they actually believe this stuff! Being a Democrat leader has always been a traditional path to making special new friends for guys who can’t cut it on looks and personality. Face it – no one ever said, “You know who’s hot? Al Franken. I bet he can bench his body weight.” If Harvey Weinstein had managed a Safeway, America’s starlets and ferns would be substantially less traumatized.

Having needs is nothing to be ashamed of. You’ve taken on an awesome responsibility being a Democrat leader – you’re constantly struggling to hold up the burden imposed upon you by the support and acclaim of the D.C. establishment and the media. You have a right to extracurricular activities; why, liberal women will tell you themselves that the mere fact that you are quite willing to kill babies by the millions entitles you to all sorts of fringe benefits!

But hey, there are a lot of uptight people out there whose bourgeois notions of “right” and “wrong” really don’t account for the unique pressures and special requirements you face as a liberal icon lookin’ for some lovin’. So, you need to take precautions to ensure that people don’t get the right idea about what you are doing.

Wrong idea. I mean, wrong idea.

First, you’ll want to exclusively seek out liberal women. Don’t make Bill Clinton’s mistake and target women who aren’t reliable progressives. Pinko gals generally know how to play ball and won’t start some sort of fuss that will end up derailing your really important work towards the Democrat Party’s ultimate goal of turning America into Venezuela II: The Starvening.

And be considerate! Don’t just tell her, “You’d better put some ice on that.” Show her you care. Go and get her some ice yourself – see, it’s the little things that make the difference between silent suffering and embarrassing revelations.

Now, there may to be some ungrateful ladies who make some allegations about you for whatever reason, most likely their participation in the vast right wing conspiracy. This puts you in a tough place because you have to balance the liberal principle of believing the victim with the liberal principle of liberals not being held accountable for the terrible things they do.

Just take a deep breath – it’s going to be okay, because you’re a Democrat. The media and Hollywood are going nuts, but if you’re a Democrat in Congress, you’re good. Hell, Teddy Kennedy drowned a chick and they pretty much gave him a medal. You didn’t drown a chick, did you? If you did, maybe you should talk to a lawyer about pleading self-defense.