Stop Comparing Me to American Moonbats
Iowahawk Special Guest Commentary
By Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
As a holy activist battling infidel crusaders and their heretic lackeys here in Mesopotamia, Allah knows I have to have a thick skin. Still, every once in a while, I’ll run across something that really gets my blood boiling. For instance, after my last opinion piece I got this nastygram from some choad over in Great Satanland:
I am appalled and sickened that anyone would draw a parellel between Al-Zarqawi and the American Left.
Oh, ya think? Well, I got news for you, Moby: I’m not exactly thrilled about any such comparison MYSELF, okay? See, I didn’t spend the last ten years crawling in the sand at jihad training camp, getting my knuckles thwacked by an Imam every time I forgot a Quran verse, and living in smelly Baghdad safehouse just to get compared to a bunch of trucker-hat AltWeekly motards from Austin and Seattle.
Me, like the American Left? I mean, are you fucking joking me?
As. Fucking. If.
Oh sure, the infidel progressives like to talk a good game. They’ll call you “freedom fighters” and “the resistance” and “Iraqi Minutemen.” But soon as you need some volunteers to take out a grade school full of collaborators, they’re like, “sorry dude, I’ve got to run off some International ANSWER fliers at Kinkos.”
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Stop Questioning My Patriotism
Iowahawk Special July 4 Guest Commentary
by Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
Americans are famous for their diversity, and nowhere is this diversity more on display than in the various ways we celebrate the Fourth of July. Whether you are a traditional infidel enjoying hot dogs and cold watermelon, a recent immigrant infidel celebrating your new citizenship with a colorful piñata full of sweet treats, or like me, a not-as-yet-arrived-there-American who celebrates our independence through videotaped beheadings, we Americans have an almost infinite variety of ways of ‘lighting up the Fourth.’
Unfortunately, there are some who are angered by this rich Independence Day tapestry of watermelon and piñatas and decapitations, and express their anger through intolerance. Ironically, these angry voices have chosen to ignore the message of the Founding Infidels, and have instead lashed out against their fellow Americans, and aspiring-Americans, by openly questioning our patriotism and threatening our civil liberties with their GPS-guided ‘Bunker Busters.’
It gets funnier...