Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy

[picture not safe for work]
From The Onion (a satirical magazine)

WASHINGTON—Standing before members of the White House Press Corps Wednesday afternoon as aides lowered a bunch of grapes into his mouth, President Obama encouraged everyone gathered in the West Wing briefing room to abandon their inhibitions and revel in a wild, drunken orgy.

Sources confirmed Obama, who had initially called the press conference to discuss the progress on an infrastructure development bill, suddenly requested everyone in the room strip off their clothing and strongly urged NBC’s Chuck Todd and CNN’s Jessica Yellin to kick the festivities off by engaging in oral sex in front of the podium.

“This afternoon I will discuss how the new water resource development bill could affect S. 601, but first, I think we should all give in to the basest of our primal urges and drink thirstily from the cup of lust,” said Obama, as the juice of the grapes he was eating ran down his chin and White House staffers placed a wreath of leaves onto his head. “This is a day of excess! So now, release yourselves from your attire and surrender your body and mind to the pleasures of the vita carnalis, and to the sheer majesty of the human flesh.”

“Do not resist,” the president continued. “Avail yourself of every journalist and cameraman in this room!”

According to reports, the six-hour-long alcohol-fueled orgy included nearly 50 reporters from a number of Pulitzer Prize–winning media outlets engaged in various sex acts. Multiple eyewitnesses confirmed seeing two AP reporters engaging in anal penetration against a lectern, an ABC News correspondent screaming in ecstasy as she was repeatedly penetrated with a live NPR microphone, and a naked secret service agent urinating on New York Times journalist Peter Baker.

“When it began, I was admittedly apprehensive, but by the end I had become fully one with the ravenous sexual mammal that lives deep within my soul,” said NPR’s Ari Shapiro, who claimed to have had intercourse with somewhere between six and 32 different reporters throughout the event. “Honestly, I only remember flashes: a Newsweek reporter sitting on my face, me fisting Fox News’ Ed Henry, and lastly, me gaining consciousness again on top of a pile of CNN reporters.”

“It was the most marvelous experience of my life,” added Shapiro.

Obama and the press has been participating in an orgy for over 5 years now; since before the "Big O" was elected.    So taking it to the physical level was not much of a leap at all.

Glenn Reynolds: THE ONION, DEMONSTRATING THAT TRUTH AND SATIRE ARE CLOSER AND CLOSER