Liberal Makes It Through Entire Day Without Being Offended

SEATTLE (AP) – In a startling turn of events, local liberal man Ethan Harrison reported that he recently went 24 straight hours without once being offended.

“Like most people in my generation,” explained Harrison, “I’m very sensitive to the outrages and injustices of Trump’s America. I care deeply about things, and I respect everyone’s right to hear about my caring. Usually at top volume, since I’m also sensitive to the needs of both the deaf AND hard-of-hearing communities.”

“But nothing was normal yesterday,” said Harrison, pausing to tug at the skinny jeans he favored but didn’t fit the description for. “I stopped at Starbucks for my triple venti soy
no-foam latte, when I noticed that one of the scones was made with blueberries that were organic, sustainable, and locally sourced, but WEREN’T fair trade. But before I could smash the display case with my Birkenstock and call the barista a Nazi, I noticed the string of homeless guys lined up to use the bathroom to the exclusion of paying customers, and I felt like ‘Hey! Social justice is winning!’ and then the smashy urge just dissolved, like phoot!”

“That doesn’t usually happen without a protest sign and a bloody MAGA hat,” Harrison mused.

“Anyway,” continued Harrison, “the rest of the day, nothing even came close to triggering me. No Trump tweets, Fox news, gender bias, fat-shaming, trans-phobia, gun shows, plastic straws, border walls, toxic masculinity, assault rifles, greed, capitalism, billionaires, or GMO arugula. It was weird. All day long I was plagued by a bizarre feeling like I was floating on a calm blue ocean. I told my doctor it felt like… inner peace… except without the loud caring. Very troubling.”

A phone call to the hospital put us in touch with Doctor William Hartnell, who explained that he had treated Harrison for a concussion due to blunt-force head trauma. “Apparently one of those Starbucks homeless guys hit him over the head with a chair and stole his Birkenstocks.”

Dr. Hartnell explained that consequently, Harrison had been in a coma all day and may not have been connected to reality.