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Sunday, January 03, 2010

"My dog's a Democrat"

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this He pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy S#!t, my dog is a Democrat!

[via e-mail]


Jack Freeman said...

LOL! Good one.

Alan Herman said...

My Neighbors Dogs – Part One

All of my neighbor’s dogs are awake 20 hours a day, barking, fighting and keeping everyone else in the neighborhood up. They have their food prepared for them, but let it go to waste, and this waste gets to be quite disgusting to smell and is never cleaned up by them, so my dogs try and help out by cleaning up their waste. The neighbors dogs also can eat whenever they want, 24/7/365, but instead chooses to steal the food from my dogs other ones in my neighborhood, leaving my dogs and the neighbors skinny and hungry.
My neighbor also has this one dog who visits multiple veterinarians every week to build up this dog’s supply of pain pills and other more illegal drugs that he abuses. This very same dog, high and wasted, is a very loud and obnoxious barker who seems to bark continuously, longwinded and harshly about other neighborhood dogs, the ones who are actually very great hard working dogs and who are trying to make all dogs in our neighborhood happy and healthy . But this fat drugged-up dog seems to only enjoy taking viscous bites and bark lies in trying to further destroy our once great neighborhood. While my dogs always have their paws over their ears when this dog starts howling, it amazes me that any of the neighbors can even stand listen to this drugged up dog, but then I come to realize that his only audience are of those of the most stupid of breeds, and are actually those same dogs that are doing the highest percentage of bone stealing, knocking over the trash cans and also destroying the doghouse in our neighborhood.
My neighbors’ dogs live in doghouses that are much larger than they would ever need and they're not required to do upkeep because of all the bones they stole from the other dogs and can afford to pay others to pay for the repairs. Because the neighbors dogs also eat so much of my dogs food, and because they have no regard for their neighborhood, they take large craps all over the neighborhood and they never ever clean up their own crap, so someone else always has to clean it up.

They are living like royalty, and have absolutely no expenses whatsoever, because of their dog-gone accountants who find ways to ensure they only find ways to steal bones, but never have to give any bones back. All of their costs are picked up by all of those dogs they continue to steal bones from, all day and night long, instead of going out to work like an honest dog. They go to other neighbors’ houses and chew the electrical wires and push over their heating oil tanks to ensure that in even the coldest of winters the other dogs have no source of heat and must live in misery because of their actions.

They always start wars between all the dogs in other neighborhoods, and then use the very neighbors in our neighborhood, who never wanted to be in the war having to hand over their bones to pay for it. The neighbors’ dogs then take all these bones and hire their longtime friends, the Bulldogs, as the exclusive breed hired for these service (though other breeds would do a far better job at a lower cost). These Bulldogs are paid in excess with millions of bones to break up these same dogfights my neighbors dogs had started and also to rebuild the dogfight victims doghouses for those who lost them. The bulldogs, however, hardly build any of the doghouses they were paid to build and perform very badly in stopping the continued dogfight, yet they continue to work and get even more exclusive opportunities. This happens because my neighbors’ dogs have known the bulldogs for so long, and the bulldogs have very strong hind legs and massive paws that give them the ability to kick millions of bones back to my neighbors’ dogs.

Alan Herman said...

My Neighbors Dogs – Part Two

Our neighborhood was recently in total chaos…doghouses all over the street were in need of repair, smelly crap was everywhere and many dogs could not find anywhere to dig, hunt, work and most also could not afford to go to the vet. Our once great neighborhood was one which was always looked very high upon all other neighborhoods, but has come under attack and hated by many because of my neighbors dogs that chased after cars, trotted around with arrogance and would bite and torture dogs from other neighborhoods that they dragged into their fenced yard, angering those dogs that started the first attack even more, and even all the other neighborhoods that use to be our friends.
It was not the best of times, but the worst of times. There were more bones going out and not many coming in and it was a very sad time for us all.
Now, though, we have a new beginning and our neighborhood finally put an end to my neighbors’ dogs rule and had voted to keep those dogs that created all this trouble on a tight leash. It has not stopped the bulldogs from kicking bones over my neighbors fence for the past favors (I figure that will go on for a while) and my neighbors dogs continue to live in luxury, but fortunately one of my best dogs have taken lead of the pack and the neighborhood. My prized black Labrador retriever (a much harder working breed than the bulldog or my neighbors dogs I must add), has been working day and night to make our neighborhood great once again and I am very proud of him. The trash cans that once were found every morning kicked over are now always found standing right side up, the neighbors dogs crap still exist but is finally getting cleaned up (cleaning up that mess will take quite awhile, because they were prolific crappers, like none ever seen in the history of our neighborhood) and most every dog in my neighborhood will soon be able to see a vet anytime they wish! Our outlying neighborhoods who once hated us are now once again open to talking to us and more dogs are finding new digs and our neighborhood has gone through a drastic change for the better. I am happy that my top dog is leading the neighborhood and that the mounds of crap left by my neighbor’s dogs are finally getting cleaned up and the air is smelling better. That drugged up dog is still barking obnoxiously, but no one is listening. We still need more hills so that any dog who wants to dig can do so if they wanted and we are still at war with two neighborhoods, but those dogfights will soon be coming to an end.
Over all, the entire neighborhood is far better off than a year ago, all of the dogs are sleeping better, the neighbors dogs are fenced in and just crapping in their own yard (and the stench gets worse every day) and now they have sadly committed themselves to not work with the neighborhood in its cleanup and beautification plan.
You know, suddenly I realized…my neighbors dogs are Republicans!
-Alan Herman

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Precision Resistors said...

That is very funny! My dog is a democrat too then!

Anonymous said...

"My Neighbors" dog is honestly the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Unknown said...

Alan you're a douchbag

Aware and Enlightened said...

Alan, BRILLIANT and informed.

"Joshua" (Religious Fanatic?), Dull, braindead handpuppet.

It just figures the Democrat version was rendered by "MONEYRUNNER"......says EVERYTHING!