Kerry Renames Boat. Funny Article By Howie Carr

If you thought Scaramouche was a pretentious name for Sen. John Forbes Kerry to give his 42-foot Nantucket gigolo boat, he’s gone and topped himself.

Liveshot has scuttled the name Scaramouche and rechristened it . . . Let It Be.

That’s right, the Beatles song. From Freddie Mercury to John Lennon. I’m telling you, you cannot make this stuff up.

Why “Let It Be?” My theory is the more appropriate Lennon-McCartney titles were taken: “Nowhere Man” and “I’m a Loser.” Not to mention “Fool on the Hill.”

This momentous nautical event happened last November, but apparently nobody noticed the official filing with the Coast Guard until now. The question is, Why change the name? A call to Kerry’s Boston office asking if there will be an answer (a line from the song, see?) was responded to with a brief e-mail:“I have no idea why he changed the name.”

But I do. First, though, we must stipulate the junior senator’s accomplishments. He is without doubt America’s most successful gigolo. He has stalked not one but two heiresses worth hundreds of millions. To John Kerry I say with awe: “Baby You’re a Rich Man.”

Thanks to your loaded old gold-digging second wife, that is.

“Can’t Buy Me Love” indeed. Mama T Heinz Kerry did exactly that. The first time Sen. Kerry realized how much dough she had, he began humming, “Got to Get You Into My Life.” When he saw her standing there, Kerry wanted to hold her hand. Or at least her bank book. When she said yes, he was feeling glad all over.

Soon she was singing, “Baby You Can Drive My Car.” Or, more precisely, her SUVs, all five or six of them, one for every mansion, which are located here there and everywhere. She gave him a ticket to ride - on her $35 million Gulfstream jet. She cut Liveshot in on 19 Louisburg Square on Beacon Hill and presented him with that multimillion-dollar painting to call his own. And now, with a little help from his (very few) friends, Kerry hangs on to this do-nothing job in the Senate. One tune he never has to croon to Mrs. Heinz, er Kerry, er, Heinz-Kerry, is “You Never Give Me Your Money.”

The Scaramouche, a Hinckley power boat that gets less than one mile per gallon of fuel, was just another boytoy toy Mama T bought him in 2002 with money from her first husband’s trust fund. Being John Kerry, he probably decided on the name Scaramouche without doing any research beyond hearing the Queen tune on an oldies radio station.

Later on, everybody checked out the real definition of Scaramouche. Here’s one from “Brewer’s Dictionary of Phrase and Fable”: “A stock character in Italian farce. . . . A braggart and a fool, very valiant in words, but a poltroon.”

From “Benet’s Reader’s Encyclopedia”: “A braggart soldier.”

Well, Liveshot, if the Docksider fits. . .

When the 2004 campaign heated up, the Scaramouche was sent to dry dock, the Witness Protection Program of boats. Now it’s back and John apparently wanted a lame new name to reflect his latest boring hobby, the acoustic guitar.

“While My Guitar Gently Weeps?” Not quite. Those weeping are the poor fools forced to endure a set of John singing those wonderful protest songs of his ’60s youth. “Blowing in the Wind,” you know, like a wind turbine in Nantucket Sound. Where Have All the Young Men Gone? Mostly to the Sun Belt, to escape the high taxes imposed on them in Massachusetts by the likes of John Kerry.

But why rename the boat Let It Be? Well, he couldn’t take “Yellow Submarine.” That’s Ted Kennedy’s song.

“When I’m 64?” No way. I mean, that’s how old Kerry will be on his next birthday, Dec. 11.

But don’t worry, John. Even 64-year-old gigolos are still needed, at least as long as they can keep their hands off the younger local talent, if you know what I mean. If you ever get caught, though, it’ll be hello-goodbye, mostly goodbye. One again, you’ll be nothing more than a day tripper on the long and winding road, just like after you dumped your first heiress wife. What was her name? Julia?