Iowahawk Does A Columbia Send Off That's Pretty Close to the Real Thing.

Excerpt:

Sewer-side Chat

Emily Peterson
Fellow students, distinguished faculty, and honored guest; I'm Emily Peterson of the Enormous State University Student Union, and I would like to welcome all to another exciting and educational installment of ESU's Distinguished Guest Lecture Series. Today we are honored to present the remarks of His Excellency Gromulak, Overlord Chieftan of the R'Qqharbian Cess-Mutants.

[raucous applause, cheering]

Emily Peterson
Before we begin, I would like to remind all of you of the audience ground rules. First, please turn off all cell phones and pagers. Second, expressions of intolerance -- placards, demonstrations, coughing, or sudden movements of any kind -- will not be tolerated. Third, His Excellency has requested that all non-mutant Wo-Mans in menses cycle conceal themselves beneath an R'Qqharbian Shroud of Disgrace, which are available in the ballroom lobby. Your cooperation in following these rules will ensure a learning environment of open free speech. I would also remind you that violators will be escorted from the hall. To present Mr. Gromulak, please welcome President Whitworth.

[smattered applause, hisses]

ESU President Sandy Whitworth
Thank you, Emily. Some twenty-five years ago, when the first R'Qqharbian mutant beings emerged from the sewage treatment plant on West Campus drive, I was a young First Amendment scholar at the ESU School of Law. It was a dark era, with voices across Collegeburg calling for confrontation and conflict with our new campus neighbors. These voices grew louder after the unfortunate hostage misunderstanding of 1986. These were the voices of irrational fears - fear of community diversity, fear of the multi-mandible Other, fear of paralysis venom, fear of being dragged beneath a sewage pit to serve as a mutant egg-host. But I also remember with pride how the ESU community banded together to fight for Cess-Mutant rights. We held teach-ins. We surrounded the treatment plant to prevent the draining of the R’Qqharbians' habitat. We created ESU's prestigious Center for Subterranean Mutant Studies. Together we showed that peacefully coexistence could be achieved through dialog, underderstanding, and an occasional gift of livestock carcasses.

[applause]

President Whitworth
It is with that same sense of pride that I welcome all of you to today's lecture. As you know, this event has not been without controversy. Many of the same voices that sought to confront out Cess-Mutant neighbors 25 years ago, like Campus Security Chief Ray Warren...

[loud boos]

Audience Voice
Fuck you, Ray!