Al Gore: You May Already Have Won

Iowahawk intercept a letter to Albert Gore

Dear ALBERT GORE JR. :

Congratulations! On behalf of the selection committee, I am pleased to announce that you have been named a 2007 recipient of the Nobel Peace Price, in recognition of your tireless efforts to RAISE GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE AWARENESS .

I am also pleased to tell you that as a winner, you have been pre-approved for membership in the Nobel Peace Player's Club, offering exclusive money-saving benefits available only to laureates like you. Please take a few minutes to look over the enclosed enrollment materials. At only $299.95 per year, I'm sure you'll agree that membership is a bargain at twice the price! Here are just some of the benefits you'll receive:

A handsome 14-karat gold membership crest badge to display proudly on the grille of your limousine or Gulfstream
A framed, hand-calligraphed certificate (add $19.95 for gold leaf)
Special Geico group car insurance rates for you and your family
Listing in "Who's Who of Global Salvation" ($49.95 per copy)
Great coupons for Olive Garden, P.F. Chang, Six Flags Theme Parks, and more!
Plus, you'll receive the exclusive Nobel Peace Player's Club GoldCard entitling you to discount air travel and 5-star hotel accomodations from Kyoto to Darfur. But don't take our word for it! Listen to these testimonials from some of our current members:

"My career as an international peace activist means lots of air travel -- and dealing with pushy Zionists and rude natives. With my Nobel Peace Player's Club GoldCard, I finally get the respect I deserve - and it makes getting through Gaza airport security a snap!"
-- Jimmy Carter, 2002 Lareate

"Whether we're patrolling the Congo, Sudan, or Bosnia, one thing's for sure -- chicks can't resist a Nobel Peace Prize Player!"
-- United Nations Peacekeeping Forces, 1988 Winners

"My Players Club GoldCard lets me treat my friends and family to great perks."
-- Kofi Annan, 2001 Laureate

"I'm a take-action kind of guy. Whenever I fly to Tehran or Pyongyang, the first thing I pack is my Players GoldCard."
-- Mohamed ElBaradei (2005)

"I have to write a lot of honorary doctorate acceptance speeches, and writer's block can be a problem. With the Player's GoldCard I got great discounts at TermPapersLab.com!"
-- Rigoberta Menchu (1992)

"The Player's Club GoldCard is recognized everywhere -- even in hell! I redeemed my Players GoldPoints at Club Satan for an exciting eternity of getting pounded up the ass. Thanks, NobelCo!"
-- Yasser Arafat (1994)

"Don't miss the boat like I did, comrade! I forgot to enroll, and now I'm spending eternity pounding Yasser Arafat up the ass."
-- Le Duc Tho (1973)

So what are you waiting for, ALBERT GORE JR. ? Enroll today and start enjoing the privileges of membership. Enroll today, and we'll throw in a deluxe carbon credit package worth $1000!

Sincerely,

Ůmläut Ťïldëqvist, Chairman
The Nobel Peace Player's Club Selection Committee