ed. - found in a trashbin in Trafalgar Square: first draft of Time Out London's suck-up to their new religious overlords]
By Michael Hodges, Time Out London
Islam -- it’s the capital’s hottest lifestyle trend! A growing religion, based on noble traditions and compassionate principles, yet infidels sometimes get the wrong impression because of ignorance and misunderstanding and the occasional subway bomb. Here Time Out argues that an Islamic London would be ab fab!
The expectant crowd ululates as the open-backed lorry drives slowly around the Picadilly Circus – known since the Islamic revolution of 2021 as The Mohammad Sidique Khan Roundabout – nudges its way through the thousands gathered. The loudspeakers blare: "Good news! By order of Sultan Charles, Islamic RAF bombers have finally destroyed the criminal Zionist entity!" The lorry spills a load of Cadbury bars in the street and the celebration erupts, with cheers of ‘Allahu akbar’ ...
Farfetched? According to current demographic trends, this sweets-filled celebration is only part of the fun awaiting future Londoners with Islam becoming the hottest trend to hit the city since Beatlemania. Unfortunately, like the rock 'n' roll Teddy Boys of the 50's, the scootering Mods of the 60's, and the safety pinned-Punks of 70's, London's cutting-edge Islamic fashionistas are causing panic and hysteria among uptight Tory squares. Loosen up daddy-o, it's time to set the record straight about Britain's Fab Four Million!
For a start, Islam is not an alien religion to London. At the end of World War I the city sat at the heart of a vast Empire that had 160 million Muslim subjects. Forty years later and the end of that Empire, mass immigration brought millions of Muslims to these shores. Today, London has made a dramatic comeback and is poised once again to be the seat of a new Empire with millions of Muslim subjects. Well done, England!
According to the 2001 census there are 607,083 Muslims living in London (310,477 males and 296,606 sub-males). By 2012, the Muslim Council of Britain estimates that the Muslim population of suburbs like Bennyhill, Fishwife, Swineham Forest and Snotney will be 250,000, not counting the lads who will be in Pakistan training for martyrdom operations.
This growth has strained London's mosques, many of which have come dangerously close to male-female prayer contact due to overcrowding. Luckily there are plans afoot to build the UKs biggest mosque – capable of welcoming 40,000 worshippers – near the 2012 Olympic site, which itself could also make an even bigger mosque if you think about it. This has prompted predictable outrage from some of Fleet Street's reactionary and ill-informed tabloids. No wonder Muslim disillusionment and explosion are at an all time high.
But rather than fear the inevitable changes and possible detonations this will bring to London, or buy in to a racist representation of all Muslims as terrorists, we should recognise both what Islam has given this city already, and the advantages it would bring across a wide range of areas in the future.
Public health
On the surface, Islamic health doesn’t look good: the 2001 census showed that 24 per cent of Muslim women and 21 per cent of Muslim men suffered long-term illness and disability. But these are factors of social conditions rather than religion, such as back and forehead infections from social self-flagellation. In fact, Islam offers Londoners potential health benefits: the Muslim act of prayer is designed to keep worshippers fit, their joints supple and, at five times a day, their tummies trim. It's like Pilates -- with eternal paradise awaiting for buff shahids!
Alcohol imposes huge health costs on British society. Thankfully alcohol is haram, or forbidden, to Muslims. Turning all the city’s pubs into juice bars or prayer work-out gyms would have a massive positive effect on public health. Forbid alcohol throughout the country, and you’d avoid many of the 22,000 alcohol-related deaths recorded each year, with only a minimum increase in alcohol-related deaths imposed by London's roaming squads of virtue bobbies.
Also forbidden in Islam: pre-marital sex, adultery, and homosexuality. This will obviously help reduce London's appallingly high rates of sexually transmitted disease. And during public executions for the guilty, vigorous aerobic stone-throwing will help build upper-body definition.
Just think of it -- instead of a decadent nation of tubby gay pub sots, England will be a happy sultanate filled with believers with the hardbodies to shame Posh 'n' Becks! UK boys will have the six pack abs to impress any celestial virgin, and beneath their burqas UK girls will have the trim figures to fetch a 20-goat dowry for their families!
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