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Monday, August 11, 2008

IOWAHAWK RECEIVES A threatening letter from "Accountable America."


Dear __MR. BURGE_____

According to a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request of public campaign finance records, we have determined that you made a contribution of __$20, 3 BEAN SALAD, 24 PACK OF LEINENKUGEL___ to the __JOHNSON COUNTY GOP POTLUCK__ on __7 JUNE 2008__. I imagine it is difficult sleeping at night knowing that your __$20, 3 BEAN SALAD, 24 PACK OF LEINENKUGEL__ helped directly fund the most criminal administration in the history of the United States, the illegal torture of innocents, and the indiscriminate slaughter of billions of children worldwide. Of course, this presumes such crimes actually bother you and your disgusting cronies at the __JOHNSON COUNTY GOP POTLUCK__.

But be forewarned -- today marks the end of the party for you and the other sleazy GOP bag men at the __JOHNSON COUNTY GOP POTLUCK__. I represent Accountable America, a new non-partisan grassroots citizens watchdog group. Our goal is simple: to restore honesty, integrity, and ethics in American government by digging up shit on repulsive Republican Swiftboat financiers like you. Even as I write, our investigative teams are vigorously searching through public documents and compiling a detailed database on your past activities. And, I must say, some of it is quite... shall we say, "interesting." Like your __18 AUG 1979___ plea of __NOLO CONTENDRE__ for the crime of __COW TIPPING_/ PUBLIC NUDITY / SCHED II MARIJUANA POSS__. Or your ___22 MAY 2003__ arrest for __COW TIPPING_/ PUBLIC NUDITY / SCHED II MARIJUANA POSS__. Or your __26 JAN 1970__ _RECESS_DETENTION__ for _BACKSASS /_URINATING ON JUNGLE GYM__ .

Paints a rather unpleasant picture, don't you agree? This is just the tip of the embarrassment iceberg that awaits your criminal swiftboat, and don't think we're not also compiling dossiers on your closest associates. Like your __WIFE__ and _HER_ recent legal difficulties for __4 COUNTS AGGREGATED FAILURE TO CURB DOG___. Or even __MAUREEN CULLEN__, your __MOTHER__, whose records include arrests on __7 NOV 1958_ for __PUBLIC DANCING___ and __18 AUG 1979__ for __COW TIPPING_/ PUBLIC NUDITY / SCHED II MARIJUANA POSS__.

I'm sure much of this information would be of extreme interest to your employer __TYPEPAD TIPJAR___, don't you think? A word to the wise: If I were you, I would think twice the next time __JOHNSON COUNTY GOP POTLUCK_ calls asking for another __$20, 3 BEAN SALAD, 24 PACK OF LEINENKUGEL___. Because who knows what other humiliating information we might have on you and your family by then, and how it might accidentally slip out in emails and press releases.

As an alternative, won't you please consider making a donation of __$40, 6 BEAN SALAD, 48 PACK OF LEINENKUGEL___ to Accountable America? Together we can get this country back to grassroots progressive ideals like clean politics and civil rights. Bump it to __$200, 30 BEAN SALAD, 240 PACK OF LEINENKUGEL___ and we'll take care of that ugly database of yours. And as a non-partisan 501(c)4, your thoughtful donation to Accountable America will be completely anonymous!

Rot in Hell,

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